LIMERICKS

Tom Jones

A lusty young foundling named Tom
carried himself with aplomb.
With morals from Hades
he screwed all the ladies
till all of his wild oats were gone.

Rebecca

A man with a house double-decker
married a girl called Rebecca.
He did her in good
in a cove near a wood:
his new wife is sure she can smell her.

Jane Eyre

She was bullied at Lowood for years.
Helen karked it and brought her to tears.
But a grumpy fanatic
with a wife in his attic
ironically quelled all her fears.

The Exorcist

When Reagan starts growling and squealing
she is locked up by someone unfeeling.
She rattles her bed,
rotates her head
and Mum finds her stuck to the ceiling.

Pride and Prejudice

Of the movie we’re terribly fond
but it has more to do with the pond:
Darcy’s rise from the ripples
showing pecs and wet nipples
to which we can’t help but respond.

Wuthering Heights

Out on the moors the wind whistles
midst the tussocky grass and wild thistles
and up by the tors
Cathy opens her doors
so Heathcliff can stir-fry his gristle.

Gone With the Wind

There was a young lady called Scarlett
who was bold and a bit of a harlot.
A dandy named Rhett
made her tearful and wet
and later, a Hollywood starlet.

Anna Karenina

Her husband makes good conversation
but Anna is mad with frustration.
She abandons her pride
for a bit on the side
then heads for the nearest train station.

Peter Rabbit

Always a sucker for lettuce
young Peter said “Mother please let us
enter again
old McGregor’s domain”
(the outcome has always upset us!)

The Famous Five

Dick, Anne and George (who’s a queen)
and Timmy the dog who’s unclean
sail off to Kirrin
where smugglers are willin’
to be caught by kids under fifteen.

Cinderella

Her sisters liked giving her hell
and they gave her the crap jobs as well
But her fairy godmother
said “Bugger and Bother! -
You’ll go to the ball and be belle!”

Macbeth

When the witch bitches fill him with dread
Macbeth cuts off poor Duncan’s head.
His wife, not coquettish,
has a cleanliness fetish
and cuts of  his favours instead.

Romeo and Juliet

Two underage kids at a formal
fall madly in lust (which is normal).
Misfortune arrives
bearing poison and knives:
Death Notice in Verona Journal.

A Midsummer Night’s Dream

In a drug-addled woodland so green
a mardi gras king and his queen
separate then unite
with a bit of a fight
(and a bit of a play in between).

Genesis

It was sticky and hot in the garden
where Adam had started to harden.
Eve came there oft
feeling ripened and soft -
They now have to beg the Lord’s pardon.

Lady Chatterley’s Lover

A game keeper by name of Mellors
haunted the shops of porn sellers.
His soul was set free
when he met Lady C
who had quite a way with old fellers.

The Lord of the Flies

On a typical year six excursion
some boys found a social diversion:
uncovered their arses,
fogged up Piggy’s glasses
and discovered a love of perversion.

Gulliver’s Travels

In his Extra OS pantaloons
poor Gulliver woke in the dunes
to find Lilliputians
asking “What’s the solution?”
while admiring his sword and doubloons.